jan.27,2010

Today felt both heavy and happy.  I find the peace and certainty that i've been longing..and finally my road is sraight again and i know now i only have to look forward.  I might look behind but only to remember memories that you can never deny. This is going to be a long process for me, well it's going to be an endless pain, that's what i know now. But i GOD  is with me all throughout this journey. The road might be tough but i have steady hand that i can hold on to. Soon i will be facing the places and people that will tear my heart into pieces, and i dont how i will be when that comes, i hope i will get on with it gracefully like woman who lost her husband in a battle. I have done nothing wrong so that i will stand tall not to the people  but to GOD whom i made a promise .

over..

i was able to talk to him today,and i've heard what i just needed to hear from him.  now i can finally move on and never worry weather he's ok or not. he has a girlfriend already so he's getting on with life. im happy for him. just as what he needed. oh yeah, it really hurts to the highest level,but GOD is with me, HE readed me for this moment and HE see to it that HE made me feel that HE's there. as for me, i dont know as to when i'll be over this whole thing, but i am happy nevertherless knowing that he's happy..no matter how hard life's situation is, if you let GOD in control of everything...things will become lighter..and i've proven that.

and just like the rose i've found in my garden this morning GOD will lay HIS hands on me and adore me forever

"Mahal Mo Ba Ako?"

This is a phrase that always pops-up in my head every minute of the day,specially when im alone not just alone,but feeling lonely.We all have our lonely moments,even when we are in a crowded place, loneliness struck us sometimes. So this phrase "Mahal mo ba ako?" is always in my hard head. I keep on asking myself why?, but i dont seem to get the answer. Maybe because i have not felt it with my past relationships who seemed to tell me that they love me but left me in the end?! Or maybe i just want  an assurance that the people whom i love really do care for me for who i am. "Walang iwanan" is really hard to keep up, specially if you are both strangers just met somewhere along the way, and manage to get along pretty well. But i've discovered that there is really a limitation to that phrase. Is "Walang iwanan" means that if you do stand by it really means you love the person? Coz for me it is.  But then sometimes you left someone because you love the person so much that you dont want that person to suffer  and just want that person to be happy, though you would suffer from that separation..I dont know, but i for myself would like to just lift all my sufferings to GOD and let HIM do the loving that i am needing. As i am writing this, i realized i found the answer to the phrase" Mahal mo ba ako?",and everytime i am asking that question is when im all by myself and just talking to myself, and my heart is GOD's home, so the answer is YES, GOD loves me so much, that's why i am here still alive and experiencing HIS goodness.  Thank you GOD...

it's almost CHRISTMAS!!! i dont really have much happy memories during christmas. i stopped dreaming of christmas when mom worked abroad. ofcourse the only thing that really excites me during this season is that it's jesus' birthday and carolers, misa de gallo, christmas card from mom. for most kids  christmas is the happiest month of the  year coz they will receive lots of gifts and parties and food, but not for me. as i was growing up, christmas has been the most stressful month for me. more stressful than final exams actually. you know why? because it was during this month that you have to attend parties at school, exchange gifts. i was not wxcited joining parties coz i didnt know if i would be able to pay the christmas contribution or the exchanging of gifts. dad didnt care, but it's part of the school activity, attendance was needed. most of the time i didnt participate in the exchanging of gifts coz i didnt want that my christmas baby wont be able to accept a gift from me or be disappointed with my gift. i remember going home during lunch time coz i didnt have food to eat coz it was a "bring your own food" party. i just waited for my sisters to meet me in our meeting place and just went home. maybe that was the reason why everytime i see and hear kid carolers i see the real meaning of christmas. i still believe in santa...santa could be any of us..i so love christmas coz i see a lot people happy, family bonding together. ..

how can you stay away from getting hurt? all my life i've been trying to shield myself from pain and the people who've hurt me are the ones i deeply love. that is more painful. if you are not hurt, then you are not loving. can i just put a lock on my super bruiced heart. i want a total transformation of myself. how can i do that? if only i can delete something. i dont talk to anybody regarding how i feel. how things are going. what's goin on in my mind. what's hurting me, anything that is painful i dont talk about it to people? why? because i dont know how to open up. i was 9 when mom left to work abroad, dad has been there physically but doesnt care at all. he was always out and left me with my 4 sisters to take care of. the hardships as a child, taught me to be distant and self restraint. i dont know how to argue and people see it as a negative trate. they just dont understand. i was always crying when i was growing up. i dont remember being happy while i was growing up. people just come and go in my young life. i 've heard a  lot of goodbyes when i was growing up. it was pretty normal to me already, though it was really painful but at an early age i have learned to accept things with an open heart. in  my young mind and heart i told myself  "whatever makes them happy". i've learned to just depend on myself and not to anybody. i thought i have found the joy that i have been longing for all my life. but it was just all pretentions and false promises. now as i looked back, i've realized that, none is really permanent in this world. and i am right that you only have yourself to depend on. you will never do something that'll hurt you but people will hurt you one way or another. i know i will carry this memory with me all through my life, and these will serve as a reminder to myself. i trust GOD that HE will always protect me just as HE  always do..

when one stops loving...

what's so scary about being inlove is losing the one you love.  destiny is not in your hands so weather you like it or relationship is about hellos and goodbyes. it's either or or you'll go on separate ways. you might end up being friends or enimies, or just prefer not to talk so things wont get worst. what do you usually expect when your in a relationship. a lot would say, honesty and fidelity. as for myself i thought honesty is enough to keep the relationship working. but as go along life and learn while falling, i learned that it's trust that give the realtionship spark and going.  trust is about listening and believing to your partner. yes you need to listen to others opinion but above all it's your partner's word that you will value most of all. above anyone else you should know your partner weather she/he is telling the truth. when you trust the person there will be no doubts and you allow your relationship to grow. if there's no trust in your heart you will allow others to go in the middle of your relationship and ruin everything. you create your own problem and a monster in you. you  are teaching your partner to stay away from you. i for myself is afraid to be involved again. not because i am afraid to fall in love, cause it's nice to give love and being loved. but because i dont wanna be in a situation were i will be scrutinized by the one i love. accused by someone whom you thought would be there for you. that for me is emotuonal torture which will forever be in my heart, and will leave a scar forever. yes i always say that life is a matter of choice. so chose to be happy than letting other people put me down. life is short to be wasted with harsh words that can ruin someones life. i leave at present, today is very important to me cause tomorrow is the result of whatt you are today. for now i just want to stop loving..i have good memories with me.. and there are people that when i think about put a smile on my lips. loving is hard when your heart is bruiced all over it. 

It's a Sunday..It's sunny and cloudy day. i didnt do much today, i opted to go out because of the unpredictable weather. as usual, i just inspire myself with positive thoughts.  i just wanna be positive with everything, though it's really a struggle for me these passing months to really smile and be happy. but i just remind myself of the struggles of others. i am still grateful cause i am not loosing my faith which is very important. that's what keeps me going and have a happy disposition inspite of. what's important is that my family believe me and loves me for who i am, though sometimes i questioned their faith in me. but ones the thought arises i just think of happy thoughts. i only have myself to hold on to and GOD.life is wonderful afterall. it's up to you how you would like to see it, you have the choice to be happy or sad. right now i am blocking myself from things and places that reminds of pain.  but ofcourse i know this will pass, the storm will end. i am almost there, i know the sky will clear at the right time. what is more painful than loosing the ones you truly love? i guess none. the world will stop for a while for me, but i am slowly getting there. thanks for reading my mind whoever you are. just keep on loving with all your heart and mind..it's nice to give love and receive one too.

love and kisses,

franz